You might laugh. You might cry. You are likely to cringe. And if, like most of us, in your search to “find fulfillment” and learn “to wear joy” you get hung up the superficial, on the external pressures of our culture, on being pretty, I invite you to watch this video by poet Katie Makkai.
Archive for the ‘authenticity’ Category
Will I Be Pretty?
Day 14: Divorce (30th Birthday Countdown)
As a countdown to my 30th birthday on March 18, I’ve committed to offering 30 people, things and experiences I want to celebrate from the last 30 years. Grab a piece of cake and enjoy reading!
Okay, on the one hand, I don’t get a say in the value of divorce. After all I haven’t been divorced and therefore haven’t suffered the heartache, the sense of disillusionment and failure or the struggle to communicate a new life situation.
But I am what the kids these days call a “child of divorce” and I am married to a man who was also married previously (and subsequently divorced, lest you think we’ve got something entirely different going on).
In any event, it doesn’t matter, because this is my blog and my countdown of things I celebrate.
(I really wish I could credit the designer here; alas, unknown.)
Chapter One
It all started before I was born. My mother divorced her first husband with whom she had three kids (my half siblings). She married my father and had two more kids (me and my brother). Her ex-husband married a divorced woman who had one kid (my half-step-sister). My mother and my father divorced and he married Stephanie and, after Stephanie died, JoAnn, who has two kids (my stepsisters).
And now we have the biggest, most confusing and delightful family ever. (Which reminds me: I tend to celebrate divorce very little around the holidays.)
Chapter Two
To be honest, I was significantly less inclined to celebrate divorce before meeting my husband. Certainly, his recounting of his own experience clarified the underpinning of deep loss many divorcees experience and the many reasons it should not be taken lightly. But you can imagine how divorce rose in the rankings once I fell madly in love and realized I’d never have had the opportunity to spend my life with him had he not extricated himself from his first marriage.
Chapter Three
I also have friends and colleagues and clients who have been married and divorced and, for many of them, living in a time and place where divorce is an option has provided them with increased opportunities to be whole, happy and authentic. Because they have suffered the loss of a marriage, their ability to empathize has deepened; because they are able to find healthier relationships, their ability to love is widened; because they are no longer burdened by abusive or manipulative partners, they are able to contribute more fully.
In Conclusion
Divorce has been a HUGE part of my life. It’s fundamentally impossible to imagine my life without it and I have a pretty sweet life. So tonight I think I’ll celebrate by calling my step-mom, facebooking with my half-step-sister and joining my husband in raising a glass to being able to sign on the dotted line and start life anew…
What? Say no to making New Year's resolutions?!?
You get about 75 million hits when searching google with keywords New + Year’s + Resolution. Everywhere I turn, it seems someone else is offering me THE top 5 tips for having my best year ever!!!
You’ve seen this, too, I’m sure and I’m curious: has it proven helpful to you? No? Yes? No matter. Let me add my voice to the cacophonous mess.
I was at the gym last night and overwhelmed at the staggering difference between the average number of people working out on any given night last month as compared to the zoo that was last night.
My husband commented that this was kinda cool. Health and fitness are good things to acheive and he wanted to celebrate the effort of those new to these goals. I rolled my eyes (how coach-like of me!) and said, “I know I can tend a little cynical, but how many of these folks do you think will be here in six months?”
Because I work with people on change all the time, I know how absolutely challenging it can be to sustain, especially without support. And for many people, New Year’s Resolutions are empty promises to themselves, often borne out of what they think they should do, not borne out of who they really are and what they really want. They often don’t even solve any existing problems which, quite frankly, is a real shot in motivation’s foot.
So if you’re among the masses who have identified any resolutions/goals/intentions for 2010 (I have), let me offer two bits of advice:
1. Ensure that it actually solves a real problem that you have (e.g., I will perform my physical therapy exercises three times a week because the pain caused by my poor posture is impeding my ability to function well)
2. Don’t commit to it if you don’t really want to
David Allen said, “Most of the stress that people feel doesn’t come from having too much to do. It comes from not keeping agreements they’ve made with themselves.”
It’s counterintuitive to all the New Year’s hype, perhaps, but I seriously urge you to let go of making any agreements with yourself that you don’t anticipate keeping. I want you to have a very successful, meaningful and prosperous year. If that means letting some resolutions go, then by all means, take this coach’s suggestion and do just that!
Barking up the Wrong Tree
I was scheduled to be giving a very significant presentation at the ICF Annual Conference Global Leadership Forum tomorrow. The largest and most influential association for coaches, the International Coach Federation accredits coach training institutions and certifies coaches. I am a member, I currently serve on the executive board of its Philadelphia chapter and I also lead a small interest group on their behalf for 20- and 30-something coaches.
Back in June, I accepted the invitation to speak at this significant gathering of many of the head honchos in my profession. It’s a good gig. Noteworthy. Impressive, even. Validating.
As time went on and more details were solidified, I came to several realizations, the most important of which was that delivering this presentation wasn’t purposeful for me. Sparing the details, I began to see how this presentation would equivocate barking up the wrong tree. I made the hard decision to renig on this sweet deal (read: ego likes noteworthy, impressive, validating activities).
Many of my clients come to me barking up the wrong tree. Sometimes they know it and want help finding the right tree. Other times they insist the wrong tree is the right tree. If you think you might be barking up the wrong tree, spend time with the following:
- When I imagine following through on this, I feel ________.
- When I imagine letting go of this, I feel _______.
- The cost of letting go of this is _______.
- The benefit of letting go of this is _______.
- This is/isn’t purposeful for me because _______.
The process of exploring this speaking opportunity got me in touch with some ideas and dreams I had set aside. It awakened me to more purposeful activity that is already proving generative and exciting. And while saying no may cost me some leverage and recognition within the coaching community, I am certain the cost of following through would have been higher.
Most of us take some inventory of the past year in December and begin envisioning the next one. As you do so, I invite you to consider that any changes you want to make must be purposeful in order to be truly sustainable. Are you ready to begin barking up the right trees?
Eternal Ephemera
Most of us have those boxes – old shoeboxes or plastic bins the size of small trunks – that get filled up with the ephemera and memorabilia of our lives. The medals we won doing the backwards crab walk at Field Day in the 3rd grade; the Girl Scouts uniform with a sash full of patches; the scholarship essays that resulted in bonds that will be worth face value by the time Medicare kicks in.
And for me, during a recent basement organization project, it also included pained poems written by my teenaged self and love letters from my very first boyfriend.
I’ll spare myself (and that first boyfriend) from sharing the details of said ephemera here. I will offer, however, that which was most fascinating to me, most surprising about what I’d written: the person I am now, I was then and the person I was then, I am now.
I have long believed that life is not only a process of creation, but one of discovery and I am more convinced of that now than ever before. Underneath the teenage experience and angst in my journals and poetry is some core part of the same person who shows up today to write this blog. I am certain it is the same person who will (I hope) one day write about what she’s experiencing in 2045.
As I find myself nearing this Thanksgiving holiday, I am surprised to note that I feel most thankful for the simple fact that I am me. Not because of what I have or what I’ve done or who I know – although I could fill tomes with gratitude for those things. And not in spite of all my shortcomings and limitations. I am thankful because there’s this essential, unchanging part of me that is amazing.
Last week, I had the opportunity to see that very first boyfriend and I copied two of those love letters and returned them to him. While the letters were addressed to me, they speak volumes about who he was, who he no doubt still is. It is my hope that they offer him a window into his own beautiful self and that he feels gratitude for that essential, unchanging part of who he is.
May you, too, celebrate with much thanks the beautiful person you are. What a tremendous gift!
To Be Pleasant and Memorable
Who doesn’t love a good email forward?!?!?
Okay, I don’t either. I’ve discovered, however, that they have this interesting disarming quality to them, especially when they are packaged with cute photos of animals or children.
See, you're hooked now, right?
It’s like talking to a dear friend who believes passionately about something and during the discourse, you feel your head nodding yes and your eyebrows raised in agreement. It’s not until you walk away that you realize that no, you don’t actually think waterboarding is ethically sound.
I received a forward today that compared the experience of life to that of a train journey. We get on board when we are born; we disembark when we die. The other passengers are our friends, etc.
As any recipient of such dispatches knows, the meaning is inevitably made clear enough that your 3 year old nephew would understand – no critical thinking required. This is handy. After all, I’m certainly not going to spend time on the deconstruction of a feel-good Power Point presentation that I feel compelled to read because I like sender.
Back to life = train ride. I’m moving quickly through the slide, gently rolling my eyes at the positive use of the word “baggage.” And then comes the message:
“Above all, we should all strive to make the ride as pleasant and memorable as we can.”
I feel my eyebrows raise a bit, my head lean to the left and a slight nod start at the top of my spine. This is nice, I think. Pleasant and memorable. I like pleasant – it’s comforting, reassuring, unobtrusive. And who doesn’t want to remember positive events? Or be remembered? Maybe I should think more about being pleasant and memorable.
And then my brows furrow. Pleasant and memorable? Pleasant is as vanilla as vanilla gets and memorable seems like a partial waste, considering you know, death.
What about bold? Powerful? Creative? Helpful? Connected? Authentic?
But what I really want is to hear from you. Play a little Mad Libs, fill in the blanks and share below:
Above all, we should all strive to make the ride as _____________ and ______________ as we can.
When Time Isn't Money
A sample dialogue between me and me follows.
Me: I really don’t think you should pay someone to fix the faucet in the sink.
Me: Oh yeah, why not?
Me: Because this is something you could learn. You really like problem solving and it will serve you well down the road. Plus, it will save you money to learn it yourself.
Me: But time is money. And by saving time, I will, in effect, save money. Or at least be able to make more of it.
So there’s lot’s to unpack there, right? We could look at some residual issues I have with money. We could examine a slight subtext of control. We could also dig into the need to justify what it is I want. Since I’m not terribly interested in the former two at this moment and I’ve already explored the latter here, let’s look at something else entirely.
Time is money.
The argument is understandable. With time you can make money. If something – or someone – takes up your time, it – or this someone – also deprives you of your ability to make more money. As a business owner, I get this. If I am fixing the faucet, I am not coaching, writing, submitting proposals, attending workshops or leading my own. I am doing something other than those activities that allegedly bring home the bacon. And bacon (especially tempeh bacon) is mighty delicious.
It just so happens that “time is money” doesn’t really reflect my deepest values, at least not in the way we typically understand the concept of money.
A former college professor and friend on facebook shared a blog posting entitled, A Calendar is a Moral Document. Its author asserts that your calendar reveals what’s most important to you. How you spend your time (like how you spend your money) is both a reflection of and a way for you to express your deepest values and beliefs.
Fixing the faucet is good. So is working on my business.
But time isn’t just money. Time is also laughter. And my husband’s complex hazel eyes. And playing fetch with the cats. And feeding the hungry. And helping a friend move. And watching the trees bend in the wind.
As my wise mother said this weekend, “We’re really only on this planet for a short time.”
How are you spending it?
I am the Medium and the Message
All right, so I’m not Marshall McCluhan. If I was, the title would be this.
A close relative recently asked how I felt about being so “out there” in terms of social media; in particular, how does it feel to be exposing myself so much via this blog. After all, you can be drastically different things to different people if you manage to keep them separated.
Like most people, I have experience with this. My circles are wide and varied and everyone gets a slightly different flavor of Jen, Jennifer, Aunt Jenny or Ms. Gleeson Blue. That’s part of what it means to be a social creature. Unfortunately, a “different flavor” can also lead to a problematic disintegration of authenticity.
A typical example: I was recently talking with a client about how hard she finds it to integrate her different personas. In other words, if her work people showed up at a family party, they wouldn’t recognize her as the same person. And vice versa.
That’s when it clicked for me.
Social media has invited me to publicly stand for who I am and what I’m about. The medium (blogging, in this case) has sharpened the message (it’s coming). Clarified it. Liberated it, too.
And it asks me to show up consistently all over my life. Paradoxically, it seems, this experience of anonymity that comes with sitting at a keyboard has actually enabled me to be more authentic and integrated all across the board (that’s the message!). I bring more of ME wherever I go, be it a family barbeque, a client session, a Board meeting, a night out with friends.
So if you are the medium, what’s your message?
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