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Archive for the ‘change’ Category

What? Say no to making New Year's resolutions?!?

Written by Jennifer on 6th January 2010

You get about 75 million hits when searching google with keywords New + Year’s + Resolution. Everywhere I turn, it seems someone else is offering me THE top 5 tips for having my best year ever!!!

You’ve seen this, too, I’m sure and I’m curious: has it proven helpful to you? No? Yes? No matter. Let me add my voice to the cacophonous mess.

I was at the gym last night and overwhelmed at the staggering difference between the average number of people working out on any given night last month as compared to the zoo that was last night.

My husband commented that this was kinda cool. Health and fitness are good things to acheive and he wanted to celebrate the effort of those new to these goals. I rolled my eyes (how coach-like of me!) and said, “I know I can tend a little cynical, but how many of these folks do you think will be here in six months?”

Because I work with people on change all the time, I know how absolutely challenging it can be to sustain, especially without support. And for many people, New Year’s Resolutions are empty promises to themselves, often borne out of what they think they should do, not borne out of who they really are and what they really want. They often don’t even solve any existing problems which, quite frankly, is a real shot in motivation’s foot.

So if you’re among the masses who have identified any resolutions/goals/intentions for 2010 (I have), let me offer two bits of advice:

1. Ensure that it actually solves a real problem that you have (e.g., I will perform my physical therapy exercises three times a week because the pain caused by my poor posture is impeding my ability to function well)

2. Don’t commit to it if you don’t really want to

David Allen said, “Most of the stress that people feel doesn’t come from having too much to do. It comes from not keeping agreements they’ve made with themselves.”

It’s counterintuitive to all the New Year’s hype, perhaps, but I seriously urge you to let go of making any agreements with yourself that you don’t anticipate keeping. I want you to have a very successful, meaningful and prosperous year. If that means letting some resolutions go, then by all means, take this coach’s suggestion and do just that!

Tags: change, goals, holidays, sustainability
Posted in authenticity, change, commitment, goals, happiness, holidays, inspiration, problem-solving, sustainability | 4 Comments »

Scroogenomics

Written by Jennifer on 4th December 2009

The BBC World Service interviewed Joel Waldfogel today on its Newshour program. His latest book is Scroogenomics: Why You Shouldn’t Buy Presents for the Holidays.

Waldfogel notes the following:

On average, people value the items they receive as gifts 20% less per [British] pound spent than the items they purchase for themselves.

While I am a HUGE fan of gifts, the research apparently bears out that there is an experience of increased value when we get what we truly want when we are the ones paying a price for it.

It reminds me of the British poet, William Ernest Henley, who wrote in his famous poem, Invictus:

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul

To be so responsible for getting what we want is costly, yes. And while I’d argue that in the personal realm, the ROI is actually much higher, being responsible for your life will likely mean you’ll value your experience, goals and fate with a minimum of a 20% increase. Now isn’t that a good reason to be a Scrooge!

Posted in change, holidays, power | 6 Comments »

Holiday Expectations

Written by Jennifer on 2nd November 2009

Most people I know like to complain about three things this time of year: their jobs, the weather and the upcoming holidays. For that reason, I’m borrowing an article from my most recent newsletter that offers three tips on how to create the holiday experience you really want.

If you want personalized attention in creating a different holiday experience this year than you have in the past, please check out the Holiday Warm-Up Coaching Special. (Plus, register by November 6 and receive 25% off!)

Pre-Holiday Tips

For those of us who live in the US, the holiday season begins in November with Thanksgiving. Expectations about holidays can run high, with internal and external messages telling us how the season should be. This time of year can also be quite painful, highlighting family dysfunction and lost loved ones.

The good news is that it doesn’t have to be this way! Here are a few simple tips to help you end this year right.

#1. Get over the fantasy.

No one has a Norman Rockwell life (and would you really want one, anyway?). There is no normal family and no right way to experience the holidays. Know yourself and know those you’ll be spending time with enough to recognize what can and can’t be.

For example, my parents are divorced and some of my siblings are half-siblings. I also have step-siblings. And a step-mother. And a half-step-sister. Could I ever have a nuclear family dinner on Christmas eve? No. Never. Please don’t make me.

Which brings me to the next tip.

#2. Identify what you really want.

And I’m talking about the bigger want, the meta-desire, if you will.

Here’s what I want: to feel loved, to give love, to have time to reflect on where I’ve been over the last 12 months and to really connect with myself, my spirituality and those I love. Only a handful of events could make fulfilling those wants really difficult. Baring those, as long as I don’t attach those deep desires to a fantasy experience, I can have what I want – whether I’m on an island in the Caribbean sipping mojitos or trekking back and forth between parents’ houses.

#3. Give only what you can give freely.

My marriage therapist taught me this principle years ago. If you can’t give without resentment, it’s not a gift and you shouldn’t do it. This applies to material gifts and it also applies to time.

When I first moved back East to where my entire family lives, I just went along for the ride for the holidays, going from house to house, accommodating everyone else. And then I got resentful. So I had to learn what I could and wanted to give and then communicate that to those I love. You know, keep good boundaries. The holiday’s are much better these days.

It’s not always easy to recognize the choices we have when it comes to creating the holiday season. When we do, a whole new path of freedom opens up to us. I hope the tips help you as you begin thinking about new ways to experience this season.

And don’t forget to check out the Holiday Warm-Up Coaching Special to create the personalized holiday experience you’re longing for!

For those of us who live in the US, the holiday season begins in November with Thanksgiving. Expectations about holidays can run high, with internal and external messages telling us how the season should be. This time of year can also be quite painful, highlighting family dysfunction and lost loved ones.

The good news is that it doesn’t have to be this way! In addition to suggesting you take advantage of the Holiday Warm-Up Coaching Special, here are a few simple tips to help you end this year right.

#1. Get over the fantasy.No one has a Norman Rockwell life (and would you really want one, anyway?). There is no normal family and no right way to experience the holidays. Know yourself and know those you’ll be spending time with enough to recognize what can and can’t be.

Which brings me to the next tip.

#2. Identify what you really want. And I’m talking about the bigger want, the meta-desire, if you will.

#3. Give only what you can give freely. My marriage therapist taught me this principle years ago. If you can’t give without resentment, it’s not a gift and you shouldn’t do it. This applies to material gifts and it also applies to time.

Tags: change, happiness, holidays, inspiration
Posted in change, happiness, holidays, inspiration | No Comments »

The Slow Path of Consciousness

Written by Jennifer on 16th October 2009

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

by Portia Nelson

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

Tags: change, inspiration, sustainability
Posted in change, inspiration, sustainability | No Comments »

If You Like It

Written by Jennifer on 5th May 2009

I didn’t notice my fear of commitment until college, when a kind friend suggested that yes, I could actually make plans on Thursday morning for Friday night. I didn’t need to keep my options open. In retrospect I can see the fear surfacing in any number of ways. I was always hedging, waiting, resisting.

And then I got married and have remained passionately so for nearly 7 years. And then I moved to a new city and have lived here for over 4 years. And then I stopped quitting jobs and have successfully created and loved the business I started three years ago.

And then two weeks ago my life was just so great right where it was that I made a big fat commitment to it and bought my first house. The morning after moving in? I wake up and almost immediately burst into tears.

You see, I live in the city, and the new street apparently has THE MOST RELIABLE BUS SERVICE in the whole world. Additionally, every public school in the area must send their outdated buses careening down our street between 7 and 8am, jarring their brakes to loosely respect the stop sign at the corner. In other words, it’s a little noisier than my previous city street.

Upon hearing of my woes my wise friend, Maria, said, “Oh, you just haven’t gotten used to the noise yet.” Her comment was almost flippant, really, and this flippancy made my day. Of course! I just hadn’t gotten used to it yet!

And she’s right. Seven days in, I now sleep like a rock (albeit with the windows closed and earplugs in, if in bed past 7am).

Which is why (excluding the feminist critique for now) I agree with Beyonce: If you like it, put a ring on it. Commitment to anything generally takes some getting used to. But if my commitment to my marriage, to my business and to my city has taught me anything, it’s that life is simply richer and more satisying as a result.

Tags: business, change, commitment, fear, marriage, Septa
Posted in change, commitment, fear | 3 Comments »

Hell No, We Won't Go!

Written by Jennifer on 9th April 2009

In her book, I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was, Barbara Sher offers some fabulous insights about resistance. When your logic tells you that moving forward in a new direction is reasonable and safe and you really do want to move ahead, but you’re still not moving, you’re encountering resistance. A part of you is screaming, “DANGER AHEAD!!!” Sher writes:

“Your resistance is trying to protect you from that danger. Take a look at an animal who won’t move and you’ll get an unmistakable message: There’s trouble up ahead. Animals don’t necessarily have the best information or the most perfect judgment, but they always have a compelling reason for standing perfectly still. The same is true for us.

“When you swing into action toward your “dangerous” wish, every bit of resistance in your head will start proclaiming itself. It will try to block your path by making you feel guilty, or ashamed, or inadequate, or hopeless.”

Ready to move forward and find yourself stuck? The first step is to admit you have a problem. Oh wait, wrong program. The first step is to uncover your resistance. Need help? Try the following.

Complete this statement: I am completely safe and happy _____________ (working as an architect, being married to Tito, owning my own publishing company, etc).

Write all the objections that come to mind. (Architecture is for sissies. Marriage is a trap. I’ll never be good enough to own my own business.)

Do this over and over until you are entirely bored with the process and nothing new comes up. This could be 4 times or 100 times.

Simply acknowledging what underlies your resistance can be enough to help you take an important first step toward becoming unstuck. At the very least, you’ll know what your dealing with.

In what ways are you stuck? Are you surpirsed at the causes of your resistance? Please post your comments below!

Tags: career, change, intuition
Posted in career, change | No Comments »