As a countdown to my 30th birthday on March 18, I’ve committed to offering 30 people, things and experiences I want to celebrate from the last 30 years. Grab a piece of cake and enjoy reading!
Okay, on the one hand, I don’t get a say in the value of divorce. After all I haven’t been divorced and therefore haven’t suffered the heartache, the sense of disillusionment and failure or the struggle to communicate a new life situation.
But I am what the kids these days call a “child of divorce” and I am married to a man who was also married previously (and subsequently divorced, lest you think we’ve got something entirely different going on).
In any event, it doesn’t matter, because this is my blog and my countdown of things I celebrate.
(I really wish I could credit the designer here; alas, unknown.)
Chapter One
It all started before I was born. My mother divorced her first husband with whom she had three kids (my half siblings). She married my father and had two more kids (me and my brother). Her ex-husband married a divorced woman who had one kid (my half-step-sister). My mother and my father divorced and he married Stephanie and, after Stephanie died, JoAnn, who has two kids (my stepsisters).
And now we have the biggest, most confusing and delightful family ever. (Which reminds me: I tend to celebrate divorce very little around the holidays.)
Chapter Two
To be honest, I was significantly less inclined to celebrate divorce before meeting my husband. Certainly, his recounting of his own experience clarified the underpinning of deep loss many divorcees experience and the many reasons it should not be taken lightly. But you can imagine how divorce rose in the rankings once I fell madly in love and realized I’d never have had the opportunity to spend my life with him had he not extricated himself from his first marriage.
Chapter Three
I also have friends and colleagues and clients who have been married and divorced and, for many of them, living in a time and place where divorce is an option has provided them with increased opportunities to be whole, happy and authentic. Because they have suffered the loss of a marriage, their ability to empathize has deepened; because they are able to find healthier relationships, their ability to love is widened; because they are no longer burdened by abusive or manipulative partners, they are able to contribute more fully.
In Conclusion
Divorce has been a HUGE part of my life. It’s fundamentally impossible to imagine my life without it and I have a pretty sweet life. So tonight I think I’ll celebrate by calling my step-mom, facebooking with my half-step-sister and joining my husband in raising a glass to being able to sign on the dotted line and start life anew…
Tags: celebration, change, divorce, holidays
Jen,
These entries have been terribly moving and, I think, more thoughtful and reflective than most late-twenty-somethings could hope to be. You raise the bar. I really think a collection of these 30 entries would make a very impactful BOOK.
Julie, thank you and I like the way you think. I actually had the same idea myself… Not sure what the next steps would be, but you might be one to talk to!
I, too, like the idea of a book!
And this is a great post. As a “child of divorce” – my parents’ experience (both good and bad) have brought a great deal to my life. As someone who got divorced and went through the process to finding someone who truly loves and values me (as I do him) – it’s amazing the journey takes. I think we look at marriages that end in divorce as failure but perhaps they are just relationships that run their course and train us for the next relationship.
Wow, what a great post. Honestly when I first saw the title I thought you were going to talk about how difficult it was to be a child of divorce, splitting your time between two households each week, etc. Totally different perspective. Nice.
Amanda – I like your reframe and imagine many a recent divorcee could really stand to hear that.
Lisa – thanks!
I third the book suggestion. As my mom would say (usually about take-out, but still applicable) – these posts “hit the spot.” These are moving in a way that makes me appreciate you AND reflect on my own life in new ways.
Thanks, Robyn. But I might now confuse my own writing with dim sum…