Communication | Get There From Here | Philadelphia PA

Posts Tagged ‘communication’

Lessons from the Feline Front

Written by Jennifer on 26th April 2011

If you have ever put a cat and a two year old in the same room, you know how well they go together, what with a child’s squawking and fur pulling and relentless chasing of any animal they are not afraid of. I can only imagine a cat’s deepest wish is for more two year olds in its life. Which is why I delight in watching my two year old niece interact with my cats, Malcolm and Niko. In addition to thinking that the house actually belongs to our cat, Niko (apparently Aunt Jen and Uncle Scott are mere footnotes on this matter), my niece has apparently adopted him as one of her best friends. In the case of this Sunday’s Easter dinner visit, that meant teaching the cat the ABCs.

Niko is on the left; Malcolm on the right.

But here’s the deal with cats: they have boundaries. Really, really good boundaries.

Exhibit A: As soon as the nieces and nephews arrive, Malcolm disappears. Hours later I discover him hiding in the dark basement, very willing to be pet by me but clearly asserting that he will not make any appearance on the main floor until the craziness is gone.

Exhibit B: Niko, a much more social cat, tolerates the attentions of all the children, especially the devoted affection of my two year old niece. But after learning his ABCs and retiring into his shoebox for a nap, he proffers a hiss at her smiling face as it moves within inches of his own. She gets the point.

As humans, our boundaries are often not so clear. We are very often much less persistent than cats in the face of internal or external pressures and often our boundaries become overly flexible or overly rigid.

If my cats could speak human, I have a feeling they might offer these few salient points on the topic:

Be clear on what you really want (e.g., breakfast at 8:00am)

Communicate that expectation clearly (meow at 7:45am)

If there is no favorable response, reassert yourself (meow obscenely for 20 minutes)

If continued roadblocks are encountered, remain clear on what you want, but seek out other avenues (find another being who is able to utilize the can opener or choose to eat tulips and then vomit them up on the dining room table)

I suppose it really boils down to knowing what you want, going after it and treating others who might be involved in loving and respectful ways, even if it means there might be disappointment or hurt (part of being an adult means trusting others to manage their own feelings). Without that, we run the risk of always operating at the whim of others or walling out the people closest to us. In either case, having poor boundaries prevents us from getting to the stuff that matters.

Are your boundaries clear and managed well enough that you’re getting to the important elements in your life?

Tags: boundaries, communication, goals, integrity
Posted in communication | 6 Comments »

Announcing Life by Story!

Written by Jennifer on 5th April 2011

For months I’ve been working on a new video series that aligns with my coaching practice, philosophy and process called Life by Story. The first segment of this series, produced in association with my main man over at MassGrass Media, will be launching this week. I couldn’t be more excited to share it with you!

In each episode you’ll have an uncommon glimpse into the life of a person like you and throughout the series you’ll be exposed to the stories of all kinds of creative people facing all kinds of challenges and exciting dreams. Some of the stories they share will be about how they are getting to the stuff that matters; others will about why they’re not.

I offer this post prior to the launch of Life by Story as a way to remind you that encountering one another’s stories is important. Some reasons why:

We cannot know what’s possible in the world if we are exposed to the same limited information repeatedly.

It’s very hard to create that which we have never seen.

We are increasingly isolated, with our experience of one another reduced to status updates, tweets and texts.

Our assumptions never get challenged unless we expose ourselves to the ideas of others.

It’s easier to have compassion on ourselves when we listen openly to another person’s honest journey.

We cannot change a story if we do not recognize the fact that we are telling one.

You’ll have the opportunity to interact with the upcoming story later this week and, for now, I’d like to invite you to listen with openness to the stories of those you are encountering day-to-day. Feel what might be possible for you, sit with the discomfort of entering into someone else’s journey and consider your own life: what stories are you telling?

Tags: communication, life by story, story
Posted in Life by Story | No Comments »

Setting Expectations

Written by Jennifer on 6th December 2010

My initial resistance to blogging was as mundane and commonplace as a European’s fear of eating tomatoes was in the first half of the second millennium AD. While I wasn’t afraid of being poisoned, I was afraid that what I had to say would not be useful to those who might read it. This resistance came to light during a conversation with Christine Gallagher, for which I’m very grateful. Seeing it enabled me to reason with it. And then get over it. Obviously.

I was invited to go to the next level of blogging earlier this year when I hired Dennis Baker to help me with search engine optimization. He stressed the importance of blogging regularly, not just for SEO, but because readers come to expect it and readers are important. And if you don’t continue providing valuable content for them, you fall off their radar and the connection breaks. Not meeting expectations is not good for relationships, in other words.

Which is what I heard reflected back to me on a brief phone call with my dad today when he gently ribbed me for not having posted for nearly two weeks. Good call, Dad.

I think it all boils down to that key word: expectations. The simple act of blogging roughly once per week for the last year, sometimes more, indicates that people can expect me to continue to do so, regardless of whether or not I tell them I will. Together, writer and reader establish a habit of connection. This is, for me, something I want, even if I don’t always maintain my end of the bargain.

But unlike my blogging life, we don’t always want to keep the expectations we’ve set. Sometimes, we get ourselves into relationship habits and work projects and ways of being that don’t really work for us. What then? We’ll here are some questions to think about that might help you begin to sort that very conundrum out.

Are there any relationships – business or personal – where you’ve established expectations (either explicitly or implicitly) that no longer work for you?
How do you continue to operate in a way that indicates others can hold those expectations of you?
What would be the cost of changing those expectations?
What would be the benefit?

December is a perfect month to be looking at expectations because they surface left and right in our personal lives due to the heightened sensitivity around family and holidays. We tend to expect so much from one another and feel the weight of others’ expectations of us, never stopping to figure out our role in crafting such scenarios.

Have you set the right expectations?

Tags: commitment, communication, integrity, writing
Posted in commitment | No Comments »

Nothing You Say Can Shock Me, Honey

Written by Jennifer on 9th November 2010

Above my office desk sits this image by Anne Taintor:

I love the image for many reasons, not least of which is the fact that I am rarely shocked and when I am, the issue at hand typically falls into one of three categories:

Archaic beliefs and practices residing at the intersection of women and religion

People’s willingness to put their worst selves forward on “reality” TV

The resurgence of harem pants

Just like everyone else, I am so inundated with information and Law & Order episodes that hardly anything is beyond the pale. And when something is shocking, I fancy it has more to do with a misfiring of neurons or a stubborn refusal to adapt than something inherently striking about its content.

This can be tricky business, however, because the experience of “being shocked” is very often what prompts us to reach out and connect to others. As in when someone shares of an unexpected death or divorce or a sudden, out-of-the-blue success. Or, in my case, when a friend speaks to me about attending a church service in which the male pastor preached against women in positions of power while wearing harem pants and being filmed for a new reality TV series.

In other words, our rising tolerance can impede our ability to connect and listen deeply. Far too often, if there’s no shock, there’s no empathy. And we all need a whole lotta empathy.

This became especially clear to me while recently speaking with a prospective client. I mirrored back to her how challenging a recent life transition must have been for her, what a big deal it is. It’s not that what she was experiencing was shocking in and of itself (lots of people have found themselves in her shoes), but I could hear how significant it was and I wanted to be clear that I understood how shocking it must have been to her system. Suddenly, the entire energy on the call shifted. I could almost feel a sigh of relief. Finally, someone had gotten her.

I invite you to consider going through the rest of your day a little differently. When listening to others, take on a beginner’s mind, forgetting that you’ve been there, done that and have seen everything under the sun. What you hear doesn’t need to shock you. Can you be truly present to it, anyway?

Tags: coaching, communication, inspiration
Posted in communication | 2 Comments »

Un-Telling My Coming-Out Story

Written by Kilian Kroell on 28th October 2010

This post was submitted on Tell a Story. Isn’t it time you told your story?

I came out to my mom when I was 15 and have lived more than half my life as an openly gay man. I used to have to tell my “coming out story” a lot, but today, it is only on first or second dates with men that the topic even gets broached. Voices get lowered, the tone gets serious, The Story gets told. Every openly gay person has one, and the elements are nearly universal: a deeply held secret is revealed, hearts are pounding, there’s anxiety, uncertainty, acceptance, rejection, drama, relief… So archetypal, so predictable.

I have a problem with the “coming out story,” namely with the fact that it divides a life into a “before” and an “after”. Why do the gays *have* to have this divisive story, and what if they don’t? Must identifying as queer require coming along with a struggle, and such a particular struggle at that? The problem is not even so much that the reasons for even having to “come out” as same-gender loving should be abolished (do lefties have to come out??); rather, it’s the fact that the “coming out story” is only the beginning of the “gay story,” which many gay men happily live out. This includes coming out, first same-sex kiss and sex, freedom and experimentation in college, madonna-britney-gaga, the clubs, the pride parades, the perfect body, the material possessions, the booze and the drugs, and if you live in the right state the wedding and kids. You know — one of those stories that perpetuates the commonly accepted roles for people in society.

During my junior year in college, I was very involved in two queer student organizations, organizing Out Week, Pride Week, weekly support groups, political actions, parties, the works. I was affectionately known as the “Gay Grandpa” amongst my peers. I was the embodiment of The Gay. It was after one of these events that I finally declared that I was retiring from being gay, that I was keeping my boyfriend but was otherwise done with this identity label and all the work that went along with it! My queer friends knew what I was referring to and congratulated me; my straight friends kept asking me whether I was becoming straight, to which I answered, “No way! That’s even more work!”

Living my own story has been a big theme in my life, and by now my “life story” is too complex to retell. I do use labels like “gay” and “queer” to position myself in society, and I’ve surrendered to the fact that growing up with this identity trait has constituted predictable and common struggles for me in my life. But these days I’m fond of saying that “I grew up gay” — and that my true coming out story begins in a hospital on a stormy winter night in northern Germany where my mom’s contractions are intensifying along with the snow outside…

Tags: authenticity, communication, courage, story
Posted in Tell A Story | 4 Comments »

How Not to Manage

Written by Jennifer on 2nd September 2010

There’s a lot of bad advice out there that really gets under my skin. The kind of meaningless-at-best or destructive-at-worst advice that people buy into, soak up and pass around like currency.* While I notice quite a bit of it in my field and in the “self-help” field in general, it really seems to come on full force in the world of business.

Take a recent blog post, Managing Older Managers: A Guide for Younger Bosses, published recently by the Harvard Business Review. Here’s an excerpt:

“Send emails early and late. Invite meetings on weekends and at odd hours. Be in the office or online all the time. Dial into meetings at insane hours during overseas travel. Understand that managers older than yourself may have families that require them to live by different rhythms from yours — they may need to be offline from 6 to 8, for example.”

I invite you to read – nay, skim! – the rest of the article. On a recent LinkedIn discussion, here’s what I had to say about the author’s advice:

As I read it, what the author suggests here has very little to do with younger bosses managing older employees; it mostly seems like it’s his take on management in general. My experience working with multiple generations throughout organizations suggests that very little has to do with age, other than some preferred methods of communication, but not always that, either.

In terms of his approach to management, I actually disagree with much of what he posits, especially around his comments in “Let them know that you are working long and hard.” While I think the basic premise might be valuable, the idea that a younger employee should essentially put on a show to demonstrate work ethic to the tune of being “online all the time” or scheduling weekend meetings, is counter-intuitive to my understanding of good management and, more importantly, good leadership. In my opinion, that and other suggestions border on crazy-making and deceit.

As a rule, I tend toward a more collaborative approach to management, which requires explicit communication, and he is clearly immersed in and advocating for hierarchy, where implicitness rules the day.

Whether you agree or disagree, I’d love to know your thoughts!

* There’s also this part of me that wants to hedge. That wants to say, “To each his own.” There’s merit to that as I certainly don’t wish to throw the baby out with the bathwater. And of course, I’m sure I, too, have unwittingly offered something meaningless or offensive at one time or another.

Tags: business, communication, integrity, leadership, power, time management
Posted in career | 4 Comments »

Day 16: Robyn aka Rubby (30th Birthday Countdown)

Written by Jennifer on 3rd March 2010

As a countdown to my 30th birthday on March 18, I’ve committed to offering 30 people, things and experiences I want to celebrate from the last 30 years. Grab a piece of cake and enjoy reading!

This post is actually a celebration of ALL my college roommates: Stacy, Varonica, Ingrid, Sarah and Robyn. (And you, too, Jake, because you were like a half roommate.) Without them, I would still be a royal pain in the ass to live with.

Robyn was my first chosen roommate in college. We got an apartment together our sophomore year and promptly set up house, by which I mean we repainted yard sale furniture and slid the ski ball machine against the south-facing wall. While we ditched the arcade games after year one, we continued to live together through the first half of my senior year, at which point the Rubsters graduated early.

(Robyn and Me, 1999)

To have spent time with Robyn and me in college would have been to overindulge in homemade salsa, laugh more than a little too loudly and address questions about the meaning of life and art.

But this longstanding friendship that so closely bore witness to the evolution from adolescent to adult might best be glimpsed in a recent facebook exchange. I posted a photo to which Robyn commented that it reminded her of one of our apartments.

I responded, “Yeah, but I’m nicer now.”

She followed up with, “Well, I say what I mean now.”

I am not sure who I would be without my college roommates. I am certainly not sure who I would be without Robyn for she is one of the most significant people in my life from the last 10 years.

And so I celebrate that we were thrown into the same freshman orientation group. And that she has forgiven me for behaving like a 19 year old when I was 19 years old. And that I can pick up the phone or train to NY and be certain I will have the opportunity to laugh late into the night.

Tags: celebration, change, communication
Posted in celebration, change, communication | 3 Comments »

Day 10: Hindsight (30th Birthday Countdown)

Written by Jennifer on 25th February 2010

As a countdown to my 30th birthday on March 18, I’ve committed to offering 30 people, things and experiences I want to celebrate from the last 30 years. Grab a piece of cake and enjoy reading!

Like most formal education, mine required knowledge of a multitude of useless facts. This showed up most significantly in history classes, in which we’d often memorize dates and names, as opposed to wrestle with motivation, ethics or patterns. To some degree, the way history was (and must still be) taught sucked the life out of me. I knew there were stories that needed to be told, ideas that needed to be explored and events that needed new eyes. I just could never see how the memorization of facts added value to my life or the contribution I might make to the world.

And so I made this known.

The movie Amistad had recently been released and after seeing it I decided – in my infinite teenaged wisdom – that my fellow students and I should be learning history in these kinds of ways. In ways that made it real, made it stick. That got at the issues.

So a good friend and I went to the school board president to plead this very case. Nada. And if I’d had a hair’s less passion I might have stopped there. Instead, I took it upon myself to draft a letter to THE ENTIRE FACULTY asserting my perspective and placing it in each teacher’s mailbox.

I might not cringe today at my assuredly bold move had I not come across this letter a few years ago at my dad’s house. I remembered this event rather positively and indeed, underneath the hyperbole existed some very valuable points. But what I wrote was patronizing. Condescending. It was painful to read.

So today I’m celebrating the hindsight that allows us to see our former selves in new ways – whether it be with pride or humiliation. And the fact that maturity breeds choice, as in “I can now generally state my opinion without degrading other people, departments or institutions.” I don’t believe hindsight is 20/20, but I believe it’s enough that we get the chance to see ourselves anew.

Tags: celebration, change, communication, story
Posted in celebration, change, communication, story | No Comments »

Communication 101

Written by Jennifer on 18th September 2009

I often co-present with my colleague, Maria van Hekken, on how organizations can leverage generational diversity as an asset. If you’re not up to speed on the generational stuff, suffice it to say that individuals and organizations are having a hard time dealing with the relatively new phenomenon of four generations of adults in the workplace. We help people address this through our joint venture, GenEdge.

Maria and I have a unique standpoint: multiple generations is a good thing. Additionally, the biggest piece of the “generation gap” sits in our own sterotypes, prejudices and assumptions. Once we help our audience flesh that out, we share with them our Top 5 Strategies for Leveraging Generation Capital. Interested? Check out our super cool, very funny audio thingamajig here.

I digress.

At the end of a recent presentation, one fellow commented that our material could really be applied to anything. He said, “It’s communication 101.” Maria’s immediate response was right on target: “We couldn’t agree with you more.”

It was never clear to me whether the comment was meant as an insult. But here’s the deal: it doesn’t matter. The conversation we had with the group was powerful. Powerful enough that a woman come up to us afterwards, sharing how a lightbulb went off for her, enabling her to see an entirely new way of addressing some intergenerational issues she as facing.

Communication 101 is what most of us need. We forget to lay aside our prejudice and stereotypes. We resist the idea that collaboration is better than jockeying for power. We never get around to asking open-ended questions and then shutting up to let someone fully answer. We stop speaking respectfully.

Communicating effectively is no easy endeavor. Whether it’s between friends, lovers, colleagues, races, genders or generations, we’re always swimming in a sea of noise. The good news is there are some presentations out there that remind us of some new ways to do this. The good news is we can always go back to basics.

Tags: communication
Posted in communication | 3 Comments »

I am the Medium and the Message

Written by Jennifer on 25th June 2009

All right, so I’m not Marshall McCluhan. If I was, the title would be this.

A close relative recently asked how I felt about being so “out there” in terms of social media; in particular, how does it feel to be exposing myself so much via this blog. After all, you can be drastically different things to different people if you manage to keep them separated.

Like most people, I have experience with this. My circles are wide and varied and everyone gets a slightly different flavor of Jen, Jennifer, Aunt Jenny or Ms. Gleeson Blue. That’s part of what it means to be a social creature. Unfortunately, a “different flavor” can also lead to a problematic disintegration of authenticity.

A typical example: I was recently talking with a client about how hard she finds it to integrate her different personas. In other words, if her work people showed up at a family party, they wouldn’t recognize her as the same person. And vice versa.

That’s when it clicked for me.

Social media has invited me to publicly stand for who I am and what I’m about. The medium (blogging, in this case) has sharpened the message (it’s coming). Clarified it. Liberated it, too.

And it asks me to show up consistently all over my life. Paradoxically, it seems, this experience of anonymity that comes with sitting at a keyboard has actually enabled me to be more authentic and integrated all across the board (that’s the message!). I bring more of ME wherever I go, be it a family barbeque, a client session, a Board meeting, a night out with friends.

So if you are the medium, what’s your message?

Tags: authenticity, communication, integrity
Posted in authenticity, communication, integrity | 4 Comments »